Where clicking is a pleasure: The Citizen’s guide to secret Publix supermarket hacks

With basic notions of customer service all but extinct, the Publix supermarket chain stands tall as Florida’s citadel of civility.

As a public service to its rapidly expanding readership, The Citizen unearthed some uncommon ways to make your next trip to this oasis of hospitality all the better.

PUB SUBPLOT

The kids are hungry, the kitchen is a mess and it’s after seven. Time for a Pub Sub solution.

Store policy permits customers to put any condiment sold in the store — not just in the deli bins — on their sandwich. The same goes for bread. If it’s in the aisles, it’s fair game.

CHICKEN LITTLE

It’s one of life’s grand dilemmas — fried or rotisserie? Unwilling to grapple with post-popcorn chicken guilt, you choose the latter.

Live a little — and have the staff chop up that whole bird to your liking. Wings, legs, breasts — as you like it.

SEASONED AND STEAMED

You’ve spent the day at Vilano Beach and leave marine-minded, craving some delicious delights from the deep.

Pick up any item in Publix seafood section and a friendly staffer will not only season it for you — they’ll steam it right then and there in about three minutes. Filet, shrimp, crab — you can walk right out with a hot entree at no extra cost.

CUTTING REMARK

For the labor averse, successfully cutting up a watermelon can be as daunting as butchering a deer.

All good! At Publix, any oversized fruit can be speedily chopped down to size and packaged without the sticky splatter — on the house.

GLAZED AND AMUSED

Here’s a deep cut. Any item found in Publix’s expansive bakeries can be glazed — covered with that delightful sugary film we usually associate with donuts. Try it with a croissant, and prepare for liftoff.

PORTION CONTROL

The wife and kids are visiting family in Charlotte. It’s just you, a mass market sixer and a full slate of college football on deck.

Naturally, your mind veers to meat. Publix makes it easy to walk out with ground beef or any other carnivorous item in the exact amount you need — not just what’s prepackaged and set out for display. Ask, and you shall receive.

PRICE FIXING

Your lovely cashier enters an erroneous price on an item and you happen to look up from your phone long enough to notice. The law of Publix-land holds that you must be given another one of that same item for free — and of course be given the right price on the original item.

Booze and tobacco products are exempt, so you can forget about that second pouch of Redman.

DO UNTO OTHERS

While customer service has gone south, let’s not pretend that the customers themselves are in a renaissance period. As is obvious to all, the Publix folks work hard to take care of us and are deserving of the utmost respect.

If you’re thinking of making any of these special requests, take stock of their current workload.

If the Pub Sub line is 20-deep on Super Bowl Sunday, maybe don’t make them fetch tahini for your chicken tender sandwich. Save that privilege for another day.

Happy shopping.